I [25/m] am insanely jealous of my girlfriend's [22/f] male best friend Most men have a hard time accepting their potential partner's interest in others and their interactions with them. No issue is too small, too large or too embarrassing. Why Do Guys Get Jealous When You're Not Dating Them (27 - Her Norm I'm jealous of my girlfriend's guy friends : r/relationship_advice - Reddit "These are reasons that people get jealous, usually when they think someone has something that they want to have," Sussman said. I'm fine with her having friends. Tracy Moore Published March 21, 2015 Comments ( 431) It's a problem as old as time + lovers + friends. Or if you're drawn to unhealthy relationships, a therapist can help you make healthier dating choices. I'm jealous of my girlfriend's guy friends because she hangs out one on one with them. What's more, according to Malkin, research has shown that merely acting romanticallylike sharing important emotionscan actually create romantic feelings, which may give your guy friend the wrong idea. 55 Fall Date Ideas Perfect For Cuffing Season, Kelly Clarkson Changes Lyrics To 'Piece By Piece', How To Make A Tinder Profile That Stands Out, All About Reese Witherspoons Ex-Husband Jim Toth, These Are The Best Hinge Prompts, Per Experts. The Power of the Ex-Girlfriend | Psychology Today My support pack on Jealousy explains more and the one on Self-Esteem should help too. Is there something about you that you're not comfortable with? These past few weeks they have starting hanging out more, I would say once or twice a week and it really bothers me. Lundquist said you may also be jealous because you're worried about losing your friend or worried that your friendship will change. I swear I'm not a jealous, possessive asshole. If you are single and want to have interpersonal ambiguous relationships with others, have at it. View our online Press Pack. Privacy Policy. News Group Newspapers Limited in England No. Rachel Sussman, an NYC-based relationship therapist, said there may be a number of reasons why you're jealous of your friend's relationship. Archived post. Take it slow, keep those changes small but give people the chance to show that they can be trusted. If you were more secure in your own worth, you wouldnt feel like the way to preserve your relationship is to cling to your girlfriend the way that you do. Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. A group setting is an especially smart idea if you're aware of any underlying feelings of attraction. If youre finding yourself fixating on your partners ex, especially if that ex isnt super present in their life now (maybe they text every so often or see each other at big gatherings with mutual friends), you might be creating what Sussman calls fantasy jealousy and worrying about a threat that isnt really there. Is It Okay To Be Jealous of My Girlfriend's Gay Best Friend? Particularly because they are only platonic friends, my buddies will have no problem being your friend too. My girlfriend has these two male best friends that she's had all her life, who she says are "like brothers" to her (but we know that's never true). To inquire about a licence to reproduce material, visit our Syndication site. I forgot my phone.". But Im actually in a more mellow mood at the moment so instead of tearing into you, lets talk about whats actually underneath all of this and just why what youre doing is inevitably going to backfire on you. Because the converse of all this is also true: When someone you're with doesn't trust you no matter what lengths you've gone to do address all issues in good faith, you have much bigger problems anyway. ); lining up those examples will help ground you and keep you from veering off into vague accusations that get you both nowhere (You and ______ should buy a zoo together, since you both love tigers so much!). Instead, what I think would be more productive would be to go tospecific events, regularly. And this is a scenario in which many people seem unable to be honest. Nonetheless, if your partner's job is always a top priority (even over his or her own health), it's reasonable to feel jealous and talk to your partner about how you can spend more time together . I've met them a few times, and they seem nice enough, but what bothers me is how much she talks to them. Etc. We tend to think that someone might endanger our relationship and that elicits some anxiety, some fear of losing this person, Sussman told VICE. Lastly, when your partner and your friend are communicating matters too. You have done your part: Reassured without hostility, scrutinized your own behavior, and then reassured some more. It's a problem as old as time + lovers + friends. By rejecting non-essential cookies, Reddit may still use certain cookies to ensure the proper functionality of our platform. As you see that your fears and anxieties are unfounded, itll be that much easier to shut that part of your brain up that drips poison in your ear. ?????? What your jealous feelings are telling you (and what you should do So I have been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for close to two years now. We need to talk about exactly whats going on andwhy youre jealous of her friends. "You have to find some ways of sharing those fears with your friend and communicating to your friend," Lundquist said. Ironically, love is the most common cause of jealousy for men. But also this: There's a reason that some women get their hackles up about their boyfriends being friends with women. We may earn a commission from links on this page. On the weekends I would try to hang out with some colleagues (that I would not usually go out with) to keep myself from thinking about her being with her friends. I told her I didn't want her to see him ever again, but that's not really the case. Shes a very direct type of girl and would tell you what she thinks right off the bat but I cant seem to not think that she might be cheating or something especially when she goes home late even though she texts me whenever shes out. For other inquiries, Contact Us. I'm jealous of my girlfriend's guy friends. And thats the real fear, frankly. Nonetheless, no one should have a "best friend" that sneakily feels "jealous" or "angry" because you are happy. Six Reasons Why Men Become Jealous, Even If They Are Not Your Husband They can help you break the patterns in your life that lead to these feelings and help you find ways to get those needs met in ways that are actually productive and useful, rather than destroying the relationships you currently have. Do I think it's more complicated sometimes to do so? You know who is smarter than you - he is. Stay up to date with what you want to know. Surf Girls Hawaii is the Real-Life Blue Crush Weve Waited 21 Years For, Easy Beauty/Black Hack Doubles As Primer While Protecting Your Skin, Lagoona Bloo Gives The Venga Boys' Nostalgic '90s Hit the Cover It Deserves. and our Edited by Sally Land; Published: 21:26, 23 Jul 2021; Updated: 11:19, 26 Jul 2021; (I guess they could be doing it just to make you think they are innocent when really they are plotting to marry this girl after you're sick of their shit, but that would be some long, tight con.) I may not be interested in the thing that you guys are bonding around, but at least give me the opportunity to say no, she told VICE. We don't take pictures together and she can't post anything related to me on social media. [SOLUTION] I Am Jealous Of My Girlfriend's Guy Friend 8 comments 8 yr. ago You totally right to be jealous, she prolly gonna complain about you to him at every turn and secretly is comparing you both. My friend feels bad that my girlfriend feels that way, and I feel bad that she feels bad. In fact, almost all of that will all butguarantee that theyll leave you. "Meet his friends and have him meet yours, so you're both enlarging your circle of friends.". "Think Romeo and Julietforbidden love, especially the secret kind, is exciting," he says. Stay up Facetiming until 2am? Obviously you dont need to become instant besties, but watching the way your partner and their friend hang out while establishing some rapport between the three of you will go a long way to alleviate your anxiety. And she has always had some male friends. I threw her phone against the wall and shattered the screen (I'm going to buy her a new one when I get paid). This process begins with both partners being trustworthy. Is the girlfriend just jealous because she's the jealous type, meaning there is good trust and good faith in your relationship and no reason for jealousy, and yet regardless of this, anything so much as a few jokes or chumminess between you and another woman would incite a jealous rage? Have You Met The Right Person At The Wrong Time? We've had a ton of fights with me getting jealous of her going to their houses. and our DEAR DEIDRE: I AM so jealous of my girlfriends male colleague who she is mates with. I know I'm long distance (and I only see her once every three months or so) but shouldn't I be enough for her? A jealous friend may make disrespectful comments or try to break up your relationship. Want to help support the site? Don't be a hypocrite. Youll be seeing the same people over and over again, which will increase your familiarity with them. Whether that be with humor or just silence, the thought process always ends with the same message Dont get too close/ Keep it superficial. Its human natureto survive, to protect ourselves and to protect our families. You have to trust that she is honest with you when she says that she cares for you. Girlfriend has male friends, what should I do? And trust me: shes going to go with the people who know her well enough tonot demand that she choose. 5. People are people. All rights reserved. You've seen 'em. Jealous Boyfriend? How to Keep Your Guy Friends - Women's Health The problem isnt the jealousy, in and of itself. Why are my relationships not working out? You know who is funnier than you - he is. I get jealous of my male best friend's girlfriend - Reddit It was a course of sustained, careful and strategic development that lead to him becoming one of the greatest basketball players of all time. We met on the first day of college and have been friends since, and to be clear, the relationship has always been platonic. Its not 100 percent black and white, but that's kind of the trend.. What's happened is that I've stopped seeing my friend so often, and when I do see her, I don't tell my girlfriend. Period.". Its going to be because youdemanded that she make that choice and her friendsdidnt. envy is natural and it's going to happen. Dependence on your partner: 6,7 Even asking people to . Not a lot, just a little. Her hanging with her friendsand coming backto youis proof that yes, she loves her friends but she also cares for you. Notice very carefully that I said makes sense, not is a good idea. The other day he actually pulled her into his lap. Invite him along. Whether it's romance, friendship, family, co-workers, or basic human interaction: we're here to help! Talk to yourself before you talk to your partner, If your partner is dismissive or defensive, trust your gut. So what's the best way to d. Friendship is so much more than being a man, woman or queer. Just as confidence is fear + survival, trust in this case will be built out of fear + reassurance. Approach it in a non-accusatory way, something like Hey, I'm pretty sure this is something that neither of you are trying to do, but it's making me feel this way, Perry said. Read our personal replies here. How To Deal With Your Girlfriend's Guy Best Friend - MensXP 679215 Registered office: 1 London Bridge Street, London, SE1 9GF. And she told theyre like brothers to her. All of them. Lundquist said if you're worried your friendship will change because of their new partner, express your concerns. I mean, seriously detest, abhor, despise, want to stuff a plastic bag over their head while they're sleeping, hate them.The simple reason is jealousy.I hate . And as much as I care about my girlfriend's feelings, she's my good friend too and I do care about her. How Do I Trust a Boyfriend Who Still Talks to His Ex? What, exactly, do you think is happening now that wasnt happening before? Make it a group affair. 12 Ways to Let Go of Jealousy. She also talks to one of them, who doesn't go to her school but a school pretty close by, at least once a week or so on the phone, which I don't understand. and if you enjoy them, please don't forget to give a review on Amazon and Goodreads. The issue is less about trust and far more about your own self-esteem and the fact that youre both in a long-distance relationship. And thatwill be your fault. what makes a long-distance relationship work. But while seeing that being rejected or turned down wont kill youcan ease that anxiety a little just doing a thousand approaches isnt going to fix things unless youre doing it deliberately and intelligently. When your friend tells you about their new relationship, you may be excited for them, but you may feel jealousy too. "Alcohol loosens inhibitions, making you far more likely to flirt if you have the slightest urge at all," explains Malkin. That part of that brain considers your feelings, even if they don't necessarily think you should have them. Archived post. It especially pisses me off when I imagine him making her feel special, sweeping her off her feet, or having sex with her and entertaining her. The unhealthy internal conflicts do more damage to your otherwise healthy relationship with your girlfriend. You may be jealous of other couples' milestones too. tl;dr: tell him you're jealous of his friend without asking him to do anything. We describe that feeling by calling it jealousy, but it's actually a fear that something might happen to your relationship and you might lose the person that you love.. Youre going to need to work on yourself. Fucking them on the DL? That way, you can figure out whether your feelings are something to flag to your partner as an issue youre personally working on, or you can have a talk about ways they may need to modify their behavior towards this friend., If youre noticing boundaries being crossed, its time to communicate with your partner. Everytime she tells me she's hanging . But let's not be nave. But I wish in these scenarios the advice givers would focus on something that is all too often missing from discussions of relationships (and the advice seeker here admitted this was probably his first serious girlfriend, which makes it all the more important): How much trust do you really have in the relationship? If you've done all this admittedly tedious work and the partner is still jealous, I think it's a low self-esteem issue, and you can't fix that. I (24m) am getting increasingly jealous/frustrated of my girlfriend's Because, lets be clear: this is ayou problem, not aher problem. Otherwise, youre just trying to reach a benchmark with no real meaning. Scan this QR code to download the app now. I am so jealous of my girlfriend's male friend who she spends time with. Its not that youre afraid of her cheating on you so much as that youre worried that shes going toleave you. Advertisement QuaVaundra Perry, a certified psychologist who specializes in relationship distress, said there are two major signs you should talk to your partner about their relationship with one. There comes a pointvery quickly where shes not going to be willing to put up with this shit. Should I be Jealous? Sometimes you're right to be jealous. "When we give up aspects of ourselves, including meaningful friendships, we stop being the person our partner fell in love with," explains Lisa Firestone, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert. Maybe they saw their parents split up bec. Consider the big picture. Try to figure out why you feel threatened by her friends. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. I understand the desire to throw yourself into things as a form of intense exposure therapy, RTA, but I dont think its going to work quite the way you expect it to. One reason is that you're single and you want to be in a relationship, or you're unsatisfied with your own relationship. It just means that the status they claim is the honest status, and that no matter that status, you can trust them with their own brain. For most men, food is the language of love. Sussman said to work through the jealousy by asking yourself questions like: Am I attracted to the wrong people? By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. "Listen," you say to your man and your best friend, "I just have to run back into the house real quick. The Concessionist is really right about the relentless talking. We've been dating for 4.5 years now, 2 of them long-distance since I transferred schools. Now I would love to shatter this outdated defense mechanism into a million pieces (especially because it could explain why I am so emotionally detached from people) but unfortunately the human pysche doesnt work that way. Sometimes boyfriends and girlfriends get jealous of their partners' close friendships, just like Ross did with Rachel on Friends. He drilled the basics until they were muscle memory, he practiced making shots from all over the court, he practiced and refined his technique until he could do it by pure instinct. I'm terrified she's going to dump me, but if she doesn't I don't know how to press the issue any further. And honestly, this sounds to me like something that would best be discussed with a counselor or therapist. What makes these situations even more strange is that most of these men make it clear that they don't want to be with you. And then have concrete examples, of boundary-crossing or non-inclusive behavior, to lay out for them. Not only will bringing up specific incidents help your partner understand what bothers you (ie, It hurt my feelings when you and ______ streamed the Tiger King finale together, even though you promised youd watch it with me! They wont be intimidating strangers, so much as ok, thats Tim with the Mage campaign, thats Nina who plays jazz piano, thats Umberto whos obsessed with Animal Crossing. is not the way to have a productive conversation. When you don't have trust, there is no interaction innocuous enough to calm the fires of your suspicion. The thing is, my girlfriend becomes a jealous, paranoid, insecure nutcase whenever I'm with my friend. It's gotten to a point where I can't even meet her for coffee without my girlfriend getting mad. 9 Signs of a Controlling Partner - Psych Central 3. Find the source. For more information, please see our Is she telling you about how one of her friends has started horn-dogging around her or has been getting incredibly flirty? I know that was inexcusable and I need to get my anger under control. If you do decide you need to have a conversation with your partner about their relationship with one specific friend, timing and approach are key. Does this mean you change your behavior drastically and stop hanging out with your friend or living your life or being a whole person apart from them? as well as other partner offers and accept our. On Twitter, these two guys are always all over her feed sending her music she might like or making random comments and it's starting to piss me off. That knowledge and familiarity helps breed trust, even affection. I see her like a sister, and I'm sure she views me the same way because during our friendship she's always had boyfriends anyway. How do you handle it? The fact that youre getting angry and giving her the silent treatmentto punish her when she sees her friends is going to beexactly the reason why shes going to leave you. Is she gushing about howamazing Guy X, Guy Y or Guy Z are, in ways that she would have gushed over you in the early days? When Boyfriends Get Jealous of Girlfriends' Guy Friends break the patterns in your life that lead to these feelings. "The words Its just lunch are about as reassuring to hear from a partner as 'We're just good friends,'" says Craig Malkin, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and psychology instructor at Harvard Medical School. I am well aware that they have their own type of relationship and in the unlikely event that I were to be his girlfriend, it would not be the same. The problem here is that the jealous partner doesn't know which end of an ace is up: Are you secretly in love with that "friend"? 2023 Hearst Magazine Media, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Talk to your friend if you're worried about your friendship. Its easy to be jealous of some mysterious, multi-talented hottie who lived in your partners freshman dorm. Shes 19, trustworthy and I love her so much. Your girlfriend has male friends, what should you do about it? Consult your guy. Most women have encountered a jealous guy at least once in their lifetime; that friend or acquaintance who gets jealous because he secretly has a crush on them or likes to keep them around without committing to them. Communicate. Oh snap! Skip the booze. I recieved a question from a man in a similar situation. 2,4. If you're never invited to hang out with them, that's pretty concerning. 1. Consider becoming a patron! If it's a pretty solid, emotionally connected relationship, it's fine to say, Hey, there might be times where I ask a couple more questions, and you might find that to be annoying, but this is just something that I'm trying to work through, Perry said. I am aware that her mom knows them and is even friends with some of these guys parents. Sign up for notifications from Insider! Being cheated on is one of the 26 tolls that you pay when you date men. Is it OK to be jealous of girlfriend's male friends is a touchy question in this day and age of what we at The Marriage Foundation https://themarriagefoundation.org/ call pseudo-openmindedness. Youll have no real motivation to let the wall down and no reason to trust anyone. Know these guys just want to sleep.. He's always messing with her hair or hugging her. Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. When I need to talk to my husband about something, I schedule it like I'm scheduling a business meeting: When would you have some time to talk? By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. It's just that her and this guy are too close and I feel like it's disrespectful of our relationship. And heres the thing: trusting her will give you the proof that youcan trust her. I don't need her to cut him off completely, just to set up some boundaries. NOW WATCH: Being wrapped like a baby is physical therapy for muscle pain. Why are guys so jealous if their girlfriend has any type of male Heres a truth about dating: you cant break-up proof your relationships. It would be less crazy if we were actually having an affair. How to actually stop doing the things you know aren't exactly good for you. In a recent Cornell University study, researchers asked participants how they would feel if their current romantic partner engaged in various activities with a former flame, and they discovered that having lunch or dinner with an ex elicited significantly more sexual jealousy than interactions that didn't involve food, like meeting up for .css-7qz8rz{-webkit-text-decoration:underline;text-decoration:underline;text-decoration-thickness:0.0625rem;text-decoration-color:#f7623b;text-underline-offset:0.25rem;color:inherit;-webkit-transition:background 0.4s;transition:background 0.4s;background:linear-gradient(#ffffff, #ffffff 50%, #feebe7 50%, #feebe7);-webkit-background-size:100% 200%;background-size:100% 200%;}.css-7qz8rz:hover{color:#000000;text-decoration-color:border-link-body-hover;-webkit-background-position:100% 100%;background-position:100% 100%;}coffee. If your partner is adamant that theres nothing unusual happening between them and their friend and open to modifying any boundary-pushing behavior, thats awesomebut it still might not go all the way in calming down your active imagination. It encompasses love. Im currently in a different state for work and I know absolutely no one here and everything is closed to add to it. But when the issue boils down to one specific friendship, things get a little more complicatedespecially when youre not sure whether jealousy is a you problem or if theres actually something off about the way your partner and their friend communicate. Lots of folks have that sense of FOMO, the fear that their friends are off doing cool and amazing things without them. If You're Jealous Of My Guy Friends, We're Never Going To Work Out - Bolde It really will. Or, for that matter, wont fail miserably or wont blow up in your face.. Those friends are threatening the special, central . Why are you putting this other person on a pedestal and comparing your current relationship that's good to something that inherently broke?, Perry said that relationship timeline is also a factorif the relationship is a newer one, you could be bringing baggage from past relationships to the table, or still getting a feel for what your partner is like as a person. All rights reserved. Youre demonstrating classic needy behavior in a way thats turned toxic and corrosive, and if its left unchecked, its going to destroyevery relationship you have moving forward. Nothing remotely sexual/physical/romantic has ever happened between us, and it's highly unlikely that something of that nature will ever develop. Having things to occupy your time not being able to spend time with your friends or go out and do things isnt the answer either. There is no magic formula thats going to keep people from leaving you whether its being hypervigilant in an attempt to keep them from cheating, trying to occupy all of their time so they cant meet other people or even just keeping tabs on them at all times. Everytime she tells me she's hanging out with one of them it just makes me angry and it kills my whole mood. But if you give people the chance toearn your trust and prove that theyre trustworthy, I think youll start feeling secure enough to open up a little bit at a time. Not only will this show your man that you have nothing to hide, but hanging out with each other's friends can also make for a healthier relationship. Rethink your response. In fact she has been hanging around these guys for years even before I met her. Ive seen lots of folks try to do the get over this issue by flooding myself with it thing. And if we proceed from that angle that your fear is that shell be getting closer with her guy friends than with you then theres a perverse logic where trying to get her to spendless time with her friends makes sense. Its kind of like the proverbial 10,000 hours to master a skill. Do you have any advice on what I should do with these feelings? That should mean that you're willing to do the work of looking at things and considering their feelings. We seek posts from users who have specific and personal relationship quandaries that other redditors can help them try to solve. As any marketer will tell you: familiarity and repetitive exposure breeds comfort and ultimately affection. "I think that it's a pretty ordinary human emotion," Matt Lundquist, an NYC-based psychotherapist, told Insider. DEIDRE SAYS:Remind yourself that she loves you, not him. Youmight keep them from cheating assuming they were ever even thinking of cheating in the first place but youwill destroy the trust, affection and respect that is criticalfor relationships to survive.